Your legal will determines who gets your money and possessions. Your ethical will determines who gets your wisdom.
An ethical will is a document where you share your values, beliefs, life lessons, and hopes for future generations. It's not legally binding. It doesn't distribute assets. Instead, it distributes something far more valuable: the principles that guided your life and the wisdom you've accumulated.
What is an Ethical Will?
The tradition dates back thousands of years, with roots in Jewish culture, but the concept is universal. It answers questions like:
- What do you believe makes a good life?
- What mistakes do you want your descendants to avoid?
- What values matter most to you?
- What are you most proud of?
- What do you hope for your family's future?
Unlike a legal will, which is written in formal language by lawyers, an ethical will is personal, emotional, and written in your own voice.
Why Write One?
For you: The process of writing an ethical will forces you to reflect on what truly matters. It clarifies your values and helps you see your life from a broader perspective. Many people report that writing an ethical will is one of the most meaningful exercises they've ever undertaken.
For your family: Your descendants will inherit your possessions, but those items will eventually be sold, lost, or forgotten. Your values and wisdom, if articulated clearly, can influence generations. Your great-great-grandchildren won't remember you, but they can know what you stood for.
What to Include
An ethical will is highly personal, but most include some combination of these elements:
Your Core Values
What principles guided your decisions? Examples:
- Integrity matters more than success
- Family comes first
- Education opens doors
- Hard work pays off
- Kindness costs nothing
Don't just list values—explain why they matter to you and how they shaped your life.
Life Lessons
What did you learn the hard way? What do you wish you'd known earlier?
- "I learned that holding grudges only hurts yourself"
- "Money comes and goes, but relationships last"
- "Don't wait to tell people you love them"
Proud Moments
What are you most proud of? This isn't bragging—it's modeling what matters.
- "I'm proud that I went back to school at 40"
- "I'm proud I stayed married through hard times"
- "I'm proud I stood up for what I believed in even when it was unpopular"
Regrets and Apologies
This section requires courage, but it's often the most powerful:
- "I regret I worked too much when you were young"
- "I'm sorry I didn't tell you more often how proud I was"
- "I wish I had taken more risks"
Hopes and Blessings
What do you hope for your descendants?
- "I hope you find work that matters to you"
- "I hope you prioritize relationships over achievement"
- "I hope you stay curious and never stop learning"
Family History Context
Help your descendants understand where they came from:
- "Our family survived [historical event] by..."
- "Your grandfather taught me..."
- "These values come from our cultural heritage of..."
Forgiveness
If appropriate:
- Who you forgive
- Who you hope will forgive you
- Why forgiveness matters to you
How to Write It
Start with Brainstorming
Don't try to write the final version immediately. Spend a week jotting down ideas:
- Values you believe in
- Lessons you've learned
- Stories that illustrate your principles
- Advice you'd give your younger self
Choose Your Format
Letter format: "Dear children and grandchildren..." Essay format: Third-person reflection on your life Q&A format: Answer specific questions List format: Numbered life lessons and values
My recommendation: Start with letter format. It's the most natural and personal.
Write Multiple Drafts
Your first draft will be rough. That's normal. Write it quickly without self-editing. Then revise:
- Draft 1: Brain dump everything
- Draft 2: Organize into themes
- Draft 3: Add specific stories and examples
- Draft 4: Polish language and remove redundancy
Be Specific and Honest
Vague platitudes don't resonate. Instead of "Be kind," write:
- "I learned kindness from watching my mother care for my grandmother in her final years. She showed me that true kindness is inconvenient, costly, and worth it."
Instead of "Family is important," write:
- "I spent too much time building my career and not enough at your soccer games. I thought I was providing for you, but what you needed was my presence. Don't make my mistake."
Use Your Own Voice
Don't try to sound profound or literary. Write how you talk. Your descendants want to hear your voice, not a polished essay.
Length and Scope
There's no required length. Ethical wills range from one page to fifty pages. What matters is saying what needs to be said.
Too short: A list of values with no explanation or context Too long: Exhaustive autobiography that loses focus on wisdom and values Just right: 3-10 pages that convey your core values with enough story to make them memorable
When to Write It
The best time is now. You don't need to be elderly or facing mortality. In fact, writing an ethical will in midlife has advantages:
- You have perspective but aren't focused on death
- You can revise and add to it over time
- Your children can read it while you're alive to discuss it
Consider writing:
- A draft at age 40-50
- Major revisions at age 60-70
- Final version at end of life
Or write different versions for different life stages, showing how your understanding evolved.
Sharing Your Ethical Will
You have several options:
Share now: Give it to family while you're alive. Allows for discussion and questions. More vulnerable but also more connecting.
Share at death: Include with legal will. Provides closure and guidance during grief. Traditional approach.
Share at milestones: Give portions at specific times:
- To children at age 18, 25, 35
- To grandchildren at graduation or marriage
- Different versions for different people
My recommendation: Share a version now and update it regularly. The conversations it sparks are valuable.
Sample Excerpts
Here are excerpts from real ethical wills (names changed):
On Values: "I've always believed that how you treat people who can do nothing for you reveals your true character. I learned this from my father, who treated the janitor with the same respect as the CEO. This principle guided every job I had and every person I managed. Live it."
On Regrets: "I spent too many years caring what other people thought. I made decisions based on others' expectations rather than my own values. I was forty before I realized no one was paying as much attention to my life as I was. I hope you learn this younger than I did."
On Pride: "I'm most proud not of my professional achievements but of staying married for 50 years. It wasn't always easy. There were years we barely liked each other. But we kept showing up, kept working on it, and eventually rediscovered why we fell in love. That persistence is my greatest accomplishment."
On Family History: "Your great-grandparents came to this country with nothing. They worked jobs they hated so you could have opportunities they never had. Don't take education for granted. Don't take freedom for granted. They sacrificed everything for this life you're living."
Common Mistakes to Avoid
Mistake 1: Preaching Don't lecture. Share what you learned, not what others should do.
Mistake 2: Avoiding Hard Topics Don't sanitize your life. Acknowledge failures, doubts, and mistakes. That's where real wisdom lives.
Mistake 3: Making It All About Others Yes, you're writing for your family, but it should also reflect your authentic experience. Don't write what you think they want to hear.
Mistake 4: Waiting for Perfection Your ethical will doesn't need to be perfect. It needs to be done. Better an imperfect document that exists than a perfect one that's never written.
Start This Week
Here's your action plan:
- Set aside 30 minutes this week
- Answer three questions:
- What are the three most important lessons you've learned?
- What do you hope your descendants remember about you?
- What do you wish you'd known at 25?
- Write one page answering these questions in letter format
- Save it in a safe place and tell someone where it is
That's your first draft. Everything else is refinement.
The Ultimate Legacy
Your bank account will be spent. Your house will be sold. Your possessions will be distributed, used, and eventually discarded. But your values and wisdom, if recorded, can echo through generations.
An ethical will is the most valuable document you'll ever write. Not because it has legal weight, but because it has moral weight. It's your voice, your values, your wisdom—preserved for people you'll never meet but who will carry your legacy forward.
Write yours now.